think!

Where am I and how did I end up here?

I’ve been thinking a lot about what my life is like right now and I can honestly say that I am not impressed. I am not where I thought I would be and I have not completed anything significant. I am 27 years old, I am broke and I live at home with my parents. I have a job that I hate that sucks everything out of me which effects how I live my life. I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t do it and I won’t do it. I recently found a job offer working in the same place that I am now, but part-time on a different unit. I would be able to go to school full time and work the 20 hours a week with no problem. I mean, I might get stressed out, but at least I’ll be able to take more than one class at a time while I’m working. That way it won’t take me 5 or more years to graduate from the nursing program and start the career that I really want to be doing. I can honestly say that there is nothing that I’d rather be than a RN. So if I get this new part time job I think I might be much more happy and confident. I won’t be nearly as anxious or angry when I have to go to work. The sound of my alarm clock won’t rattle me to the bones thinking about how much I don’t want to go to work. 

I’ve also been thinking a lot about guys recently. I just don’t know if I am interested in having a relationship right now. As cliche as this might be, I don’t know and love myself enough to take on a boyfriend. I feel like I am always bending to try to fit their specific likes so that we will have something in common, but I’m done with it. I am who I am. I like to eat food and I’m not skinny, but I’m OK with that. I like having a butt and boobs. If you don’t like that, well, go away. I like horror movies and I love country music. Sometimes I smoke cigarettes and say the wrong thing. I just want someone to like me for who I am, entirely. I want to be appreciated for all of my quirks. I want someone who doesn’t mind that sometimes I just want to be alone and not talk to them. I want someone who will randomly show up and surprise me. I want a guy who hugs me from behind and kisses me on the cheek. I want someone whose family loves me and treats me like one of their own. I want a guy who will text me silly things during the day. I want someone who doesn’t get offended easily because yes, I can be extremely critical. But remember for how much I may criticize you, I criticize myself twice as much. I just want to be happy…something that is apparently not in my reach lately.

I don’t know how my life is going to turn out, but I am going to do my best to make it a good one.

Tuesday.

Tuesday means there will be a staff meeting from 2:30pm to approximately 3:30/3:45pm. I am no where near happy about this. Staff meeting is a time where the people who are working first and second shift sit down with either our supervisor and/or our program manager and listen to them complain and drone on about any and everything. We need a new form, we forgot to do this, why did this happen, did you chart on them, etc. It’s ridiculous!

Then - the best part, hands down - is when night shift comes in and starts talking about the most ridiculous things ever. Hey third shift? Screw you. If something has not been completed or you find an error - fix it! What an idea! You get off your asses and do something beside reading books or watching movies, I can’t even imagine what that would look like.

Anyway - I’m working with Rachael tonight. I am picking Jennifer up from the bus station and bringing her back to her car. I am excited to hear about her trip to New Orleans, LA.  

fresh start.

I have been sober for 81 days as of today, June 22, 2010. I am very proud of myself that I have come this far because many people who are in recovery do not last this long. It definitely has not been an easy feat for me, but I wouldn’t trade who I am for who I was. Addiction is made out to be this awful disease (and yes, it is a disease and yes, it is awful) full of these stereotypical people who sell their engagement rings or steal money from their family to purchase their drug of choice. When in reality, the addicts that I have met are no where near what people assume them to be. Many of the people I have come into contact with are loving, bright, attentive and smart individuals. Although every addict has gone through rought patches which none of us are proud to admit, it is not what we did in the past that should shape the stereotype of an addict, it is what we are doing to prevent going back to that kind of behavior/lifestyle.

It is really amazing the kinds of things that pop out of different people’s mouths. A lot of my friends and family make jokes about being “crazy” or being a “drug addict” when they have no idea that I suffer from addiction. I’m not ashamed of what I went through - I’m grateful for it. However, I don’t need other people coming up to me and start talking about how they just want to take a pain pill for foot pain or, “God Elizabeth, I can so see why you became addicted to these,” REALLY? Can you really understand that? Because if you can’t you should not be bringing up the word addict/alcoholic in a comical way unless you know what it is like to be one. Unless you know what it like to hit rock bottom financially and emotionally, you will NEVER know. So please, don’t come up to me and start cracking jokes about being an alcoholic because you got wasted this past weekend. And please don’t bring up how you loved morphine when you were in the hospital yesterday for stomach pain. I do not want to hear about. I’ve been there. I’ve lied my way through doctors offices, emergency rooms and the like to seek out my drugs. Stop trying to make addiction comical. If you aren’t an addict or an alcoholic you have no right to crack jokes or recite anecdotes about them.

I passed out at work because I was high. Have you done that? I carried a ziploc sandwich bag full of pills in my pocket when I would go out with my friends drinking incase I needed to escape a little bit further. Have you done that? If you’re saying yes to that - you have a problem. Whether you want to admit it or not, you do. I am not about to push you into recovery because that is on your own time. If you’re not ready now, you need to wait until you are.

I used for 3 years before I sought help. I only looked for help because I began to notice how my co-workers, friends and family were disgusted to be around me. If it had not been for my realization of this problem I would more than likely be out in the world trying to find my fix. I did realize that I had a problem, thankfully. I got the help I needed to and I am clean. I miss drinking and drugging as I assume I would miss air and water if I was deprived of it. Those two things had a hold on me stronger than gravity. I still subconciously reach in my purse for that orange pill bottle. The sound of someone pouring ibuprofen into their hand still makes my heart beat a little faster. The smell of that whiskey makes me salivate like none other. But I can’t do that. I can’t stop once I start which is how I know that I can’t do those things anymore. I’ll always miss them because I did have good times when I was using them. Its just that the bad times outweigh the good times.

The next time you go to make a joke about someone popping a pill or downing a shot of booze, think about what you’re saying.